If you have read my previous posts you would know that I had visitors from back home again this weekend. It is really good to have family over, but our flat feels small with the three of us so having an extra person makes it even smaller. It is sometimes ‘funny’ to think about how many sacrifices we make over here, that we would not want to make back home. One of my best friend from back home told me last week that she thinks I make too many sacrifices by living in London, compared to what I would get back home. She is completely right and that has made me think even more if it is actually worth living here. I know that if I move back home there are many things that I would miss from living in London. I might also regret it in a few years. I currently have to deal with so many uncertainties in my life and although I feel this is one of the hardest times of my life, I also feel that it is making me stronger.
Three years ago I left my job, my boyfriend (I didn’t leave him, I just left him back home), my family, my friends, my flat and sold most of my belongings. A few months before I left I made a list of the five things in life that would make me happy and one of them was to work in the career I always wanted to work in in a big city like London or New York. I didn’t entirely get the job of my dreams but it has been a step towards finding out what it really is I’m good at. From day one it has been hard but it is something I wouldn’t have been without. I think London is such a great city to live in, but it would have been more ideal to live here before I had little A. Having children in a big city is not easy, help from your family is further away and although they come to visit as often as possible it would be even more ideal if I knew they would be just a phone call away. They are also just a phone call away, but also a two hour flight away. I also miss my friends even more than I would have imagined. I have made lots of new friends here and also have a few from back home, but it is still not the same. Life is just more busy here and it is difficult to meet up when this includes a lot of travelling. When I first found out about little A the financial worries were on top of my list of worries about having a child abroad, but although they are still high on the list I have realised that is not what worries me most. It is the thought of being away from the people I care about and the thought that ‘could I move back home and leave other important people behind here’? I know what the right thing would be to do in my current situation, and that would be to stay and emphasise (to myself!) that this is a time in my life that I will never get back. But that doesn’t make it even easier.
As it is right now I’m completely clueless, and it feels like someone has to make a decision for me. I hope that within the next few months my mind will be a bit clearer and so will my feelings. I am sure that looking back at this I would completely have forgotten what it felt like, but as it is right now that doesn’t seem the case. I hope that the following weekends will be a bit more worrying free. Only time will tell.
Pictures are from Kensington Gardens.